Sara.. Or something.

nedhepburn:

THE INTERVIEW.
_____________________

NED: Sweet ‘Ska’ pin.
SARAH: It says Alaska. I guess the thing just folded over.

She fixes the lapel pin.

SARAH: Let’s see. I have your resume here.
NED: Yep.
SARAH: And just to clarify… you found me off of Craigslist, right? Under the ‘Writing Jobs’ section?
NED: Yes I did. It was between you and an unpaid gig writing homoerotic Harry Potter fanfiction.
SARAH: So. You wrote jokes for David Spade and Kevin Pollack.
NED: Yeah, I did this thing called The Streamy Awards.
SARAH: What’s “Boner Party”?
NED: It’s… um… did you ever watch Almost Famous? Remember that main guys sister who’s in the movie for like five minutes with the big eyes and she says “one day you’ll be cool”? Yeah it was kinda me reliving that moment for a year and a half.
SARAH: I don’t get it.
NED: A lot of people didn’t.
SARAH: And what about… Vice? Bust? Tubefilter? All these sound like cheap porno rags.
NED: ZING!
SARAH: Is that your Prius?
NED: Yeah.
SARAH: Huh.
NED: It gets really good gas mileage, if that’s what you’re going to say next.
SARAH: I don’t like it.
NED: …
SARAH: From now on, if you’re going to be speechwriter my, there’s going to you rules be have to follow, stunder ood?
NED: Excuse me?
SARAH: Listne, ouy dan I rea nnoga hvea to sti dnwo nda tlka atoub … *cough* I’m… I’m sorry. Can you hdna me that bttlo of llips ovre three?
NED: Oh, you betcha.

Sarah takes a handful of what look like orange tic-tacs.

SARAH: Phew! All better. I get all my words mixed up sometimes. Where were we?
NED: You were interviewing me.
SARAH: For?
NED: To be your speechwriter.
SARAH: Oh! Yes yes.
NED: May I ask why the last guy quit?
SARAH: There… there was no ‘last guy’.

Sarah opens a drawer in her desk and pulls out a large stack of ‘Mad Libs’ books.

SARAH: Basically we ran out of these.
NED: It all makes sense now.
SARAH: Quick hardball question: Is being a liberal/moderate going to hinder your speechwriting, Mister Hepburn?
NED: If I had a nickel for every time I wrote for someone that I didn’t like or agree with, Miss Palin…
SARAH: … you’d be a millionaire?
NED: No. I’d have 35 cents. That’s what I was going to say.
SARAH: Oh.
NED: The math comes out to seven.
SARAH: Right. Right. Well, college boy, I think you’ve got the job.
NED: Awesome!
SARAH: Here’s your gun, your bible, and your VHS copy of Jeff Foxworthy’s short-lived sitcom. Don’t ask why. It was Newt’s idea. Oh, and you’re going to have to buy your own suit for press luncheons and the like, although I will refudiate you if you show me the Men’s Wearhouse recipe.
NED: You meant refund, and receipt.
SARAH: Oh golly.

Best thing I’ve come across in a long while.